Soilman

Nasty weather we’re getting now. Meteorological and economic.

I’m figuring I should expect a bit of allotment theft next season. If folks are short of cash, they won’t resist vegetables growing openly on an allotment site.

So how to counter it? I’ve been toying with various options:

• Booby-trapped carrots
• Exploding manure – an allotment shit bomb
• Asparagus mantraps

The other possibility is an option favoured by French wine buffs. Inject 1 in 10 cauliflowers with strychnine. Then leave signs warning thieves they’ll never know which one is deadly.

And pray you can remember.