Soilman

I hate seeing rosebuds in October. They’re as gorgeous as ever, but – to corrupt the song lyrics – their lovely promise won’t come true. One sharp frost and it’s all over.

On another note: when did Jerusalem artichokes become so popular that they’re at risk of theft?

I ask because I dug some up for my mother a week or two ago, and somehow – perhaps when I left the bag unattended at the plot for a few minutes, or after I loaded them in her car – they were swiped.

Which blows my mind. I mean, Jerusalem artichokes?

Christ, it’s not the crown jewels. Whatever next? Are my gold fillings safe? Should I perhaps nail my car tyres to the driveway?

My only consolation is the sure and certain knowledge that if the thief eats that many artichokes at one sitting, he’ll fart his colon out of his arse.