Soilman

The ground is frozen hard as iron today, so digging impossible (thank God).

Thus had a wander around Hampton Court Palace. In summer, it’s black with tourists and makes you wish you’d brought a machine gun. In winter, delightful. Hardly a soul about.

We molested swans, poked ducks with sticks dipped in dog turd and generally availed ourselves of the usual amusements of a sunny day out in midwinter.

On the way out, there was the additional pleasure of watching brain-dead, overweight holidaymakers falling on their arses on the ghastly ice rink. It looks nice in the publicity pix, but don’t be fooled: more than 10 minutes wearing the rented skates and you need your feet amputating. Plus they pack you on the (slushy) ice as tight as penguins in Antarctica.

But hey, it’s a nice day out if you like breathing other folks’ BO and repeatedly falling in a cold puddle.