The Real 10 Things To Do In September

I’m not a big fan of the ’10 Things To Do In Sept/Oct/Nov/Whatever’ posts you see in niche publications. They’re well-meaning, of course, but usually patronising.

And the last third (desperately dredged up to hit the arbitrary 10, or 12, or 20 total) are always bollocks.

So here’s what I like to think of as the more realistic 10 Things to Do on the Allotment in September. Feel free to chip in with some of your own…

1. Get stung by a wasp while dead-heading flowers. Highly stimulating, and easily achieved with a moment’s inattention

2. Get stung by nettles… while weeding nettles. The predictability of this one only adds to the sense of achievement

3. Eat shit. The trick here is to get distracted thinking about your tax return, or some such, while spreading manure. Then when you wipe your sweaty face with the back of your shitty glove and lick your lips… bingo

4. Anally incorporate a bamboo cane. The best way to do this, I find, is to use foot-long pieces of bamboo to mark rows of vegetables. When you’re squatting to do the weeding, intense concentration on the task at hand should induce the inadvertent shuffle necessary to achieve a perfect fit

5. Provoke a furious row with your allotment neighbour by pruning the branches of his apple tree that overhang your plot

6. Feel peckish and eat the rotting, misshapen carrot you chucked on the compost heap three weeks ago. You’ll figure that you’ve eaten so much shit already (see above) that a bit more can’t hurt

7. Destroy your shed. Sounds challenging, this, but it needn’t be. When the door won’t shut properly at the end of a hard day, a determined slam should be enough to wrench it off its hinges. Then – and here’s the key thing – be sure to lose your temper and follow up with a series of kicks and/or punches. You’re aiming for a hole in the wall or roof that renders the whole structure unviable

8. Get 3rd degree burns. Again, easier than it sounds. Take a few bottles of cider to the plot on a sunny day and fall asleep/pass out. The secret here is to consciously eschew suncream, knowing you don’t need it in September.

9. [Subs to add another thing]
10. [Subs to add another thing]

8 Responses to “The Real 10 Things To Do In September”

  1. Cazaux Says:

    9) Wait patiently in your shed drinking tea and reading seed magazines to pass the time. After getting pins and needles from hours of sitting amongst your tools and drying beans you get bitten by a strange insect that makes your arm as stiff as a lump of 2 by 4. Then you finally witness it’s not kids stealing your veg but gentle old Ted who you have helped time and time again.

    8) Go to B&Q and buy an industrial strength bottle of Jayes Fluid. Visit Teds prize Marrows!

  2. Valeri Says:

    9)kill off slugs and then slip on the resulting mess and break leg!
    10)try to do some pruning with broken leg and chop off finger as leg gives way!

    This post gave me such a good giggle that I felt quite restored after reading it! Thank you! Val

  3. Susan Says:

    Have a slugfest. Kill 60 slugs before you pass out.

    Thanks for the list, I needed the laughs!

  4. Tanya Walton Says:

    great post…some I am very familiar with (though I won’t share which ones!!)

    9) Try to carefully pull that runner-bean from the very top and stumble and flatten your canes!!

    10) go to pull that giant cucumber you missed only to find it is putrid underneath and your hand crushes it…

  5. VP Says:

    9) Slice through your leg with piece of glass casually poking through a rubbish bag after a quick tidying up of the plot. Add bonus points if a) there’s nobody else up there at the time b) you’ve forgotten your mobile phone c) there’s no-one at home in the houses bordering the allotment d) it requires 5 stitches when you finally get to casualty 4 hours later

  6. Soilman Says:

    That one sounds bad, VP!

  7. corynsboy Says:

    9) Snail or slug Home Run Derby.
    You need a spade, a snail (or a slug) and a good swing. Throw slug in the air and swing the spade head at the slug as it falls. Remember that the slug will be dead when it lands and will not cause problems if you accidently dink the occasional one foul into next doors cabbages. Swing for the fences! You can treat it like a driving range and get points and prizes for distance or just play for fun.

    10) Tea making sprint. See how long it takes to make a cup of tea. Then try to beat that record.

  8. fair weather gardener Says:

    I found you by accident… its hellerious..shame I don’t have an allotment… just a big garden with 3 veggie patches,( I seem to be missing out on all the fun) one of my plots is next to the farmers field, which is handy when he plants Potatoes, it keeps my stocks up??
    I do like to go into my nieghbours garden and P.Y.O. runner beans, Raspberries etc. much better than growing your own
    so my tips for your list 🙂
    9) make sure nieghbour is out when scrumping, as BB plellets sting your arse !
    10)get husband to rotovate plots, while you have a glass of wine, moan at him when the rotovator brakes, make sure he mends it properly, for next time !!!