Archive for 2014

Grateful for anything, however small

sweetcorn seedlingsYou will have noticed that I’m doing no posting this year. This is because I am largely doing no gardening.

My vegetable patch, consequently, is a disaster zone. This is the only view I could find where my plot doesn’t look utterly overrun with weeds. Everything else is.

I’ll just about get a potato crop, and possibly some corn – if I look after it (vain hope). I may even get beetroot (which is close to indestructible). Everything else is pretty much fucked.

Oddly, I can’t even summon up the energy to care. Much.

Reason: My energies are so eaten up caring and worrying about my new job that there’s just nothing left for, well, anything else. I’m exhausted and distracted. Frankly, if I get anything to eat from this year’s gardening, I’ll just be catatonically grateful.

Posted on 15th June 2014
Under: Sweetcorn | 4 Comments »

Foul weather

I have a day off. The plot needs weeding. But guess what?

It’s pouring with rain.

So I can’t do a damn thing unless I want to catch pneumonia. And the weeds will merrily grow and grow in the wet.

Fucking brilliant.

Posted on 10th May 2014
Under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments »


I left my job yesterday. I’d been with the company for 16 years.

That’s longer than I spent in all my schooling. Longer than I’ve been married. It’s the longest time I’ve ever spent doing the same thing (well, a series of things really…. but you take my point). I knew 350 people at the company by name, and many, many more to say ‘hi’ to.

Intellectually, in an abstract and nonchalant sort of way, I vaguely speculated that my last day wouldn’t be just like any other. It would probably be, you know, a bit sad. I issued the customary gags about being finally parolled etc etc with little thought.

So I hadn’t prepared myself for the cold wrecking ball of reality that hurtled into me when I got home last night. I was suddenly bereft and lost. A part of my life that was bigger than I’d ever realised was history – and time’s implacable usher had hustled me into a new era. At the door, my wife greeted a man smaller and quieter than the one she’s known these last 14 years.

It will pass, of course. Next week I start a new job, where I’ll have all the miseries of being the newbie to blot out the sorrow of today.

But until then, I feel totally defined by my ‘ex-‘ status.

Posted on 23rd April 2014
Under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments »

Grow it and save

OnionsWell, I’m back on the job. Got the onion sets in a few weeks ago, and they’re now starting to put on some growth.

After years of spending a fortune on my allotment, in the sure and certain knowledge that my veg was costing far more to grow than to buy (and whingeing about it – see here), I’m now beginning to think it may start to pay.

Why? For the same reason that refining oil from tar sands, expensively, is now attractive: the cost of food in the shops (and oil from Saudi Arabia) has soared. Growing your own suddenly looks much better value.

Given that food price increases are likely to continue (and not just in the USA), I reckon an allotment may soon be a money-saver.

Posted on 12th April 2014
Under: Alliums | 1 Comment »

Ready for anything

full plotStunning, outrageous weather. Never seen anything like it in March… quite remarkable.

Have got in my early potatoes and onion sets. Spuds and onions are probably my two most valuable crops; we’re almost self-sufficient in both, year round.

It all looks wonderful, and yet I’m afraid this is not down to the efforts of yours truly. Yes, dear reader, I fear I have a shameful confession: I paid a guy to dig my plot.

I’ve done this before, and I’m not proud. It’s a disgustingly bourgeois thing to do.

But hey, it makes the difference between having a plot and not having one. I simply don’t have the time, any more, for the winter digging. So there it is.

Who am I kidding? I don’t give the tiniest shit. You do what you gotta do.

Posted on 16th March 2014
Under: Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

‘Proportional’ force, and all that crap

Apologies for the lack of anything related to, you know, gardening. At this time of year, there’s not much to relate.

So I’ll rant, instead, about this recent UK court case. If you’ve not heard of it, do take two mins to read the linked article. It’s one of those rank, reflux-inducing stories that make you ashamed to live in these islands.

In no rational, decent society would Mr Woodhouse have faced criminal charges for his actions. I cannot imagine any US state, for instance, deciding to prosecute in these circumstances. In America, it’s likely Mr Woodhouse would have shot, maybe killed, the robbers. And even (especially?) then, no federal prosecutor would dare to press charges.

Yet in Britain, our ridiculous CPS persists in bringing these bloody offensive charges against people who are simply trying to protect their property and the lives of their families.

I have never cared about the pettyfogging legalistic arguments about whether force used against thieves and muggers is ‘proportional’. They are beyond preposterous. Anybody who’s ever been persistently bullied and victimised, or physically assaulted, knows that in such circumstances nobody – not even Socrates himself – carefully weighs the pros and cons, the ‘nice’ rights and wrongs, and emerges from an hour’s internal argument to take a deliberate, careful, ‘safe’ action.

In the heat of the moment, you act on instinct – fight or flight. Your brain is utterly addled with adrenaline and fear/rage. Rational thought isn’t possible. If you perceive that your loved ones are at risk, the adrenaline-addlement is roughly trebled.

It is unreasonable and unrealistic to hold human beings to the standards that British law demands. There is only one rational way to legislate for such circumstances, and it’s a very clear and simple axiom:

If you trespass on other people’s property, with the intention to steal from them or harm them, you abandon your right to life and safety.

In other words: You started it, you take the fucking consequences. No right of appeal.

Posted on 25th January 2014
Under: Rants | 3 Comments »

Rain, rain, rain

A quick glance at my analytics is revealing. Over the last three weeks, visitors to coming from Google were most likely to have searched for:

  • “Continual rain”
  • “Why won’t it stop raining?”
  • “Fucking rain”
  • “Endless fucking rain”

…. and, inevitably, “fucking in the rain” (sorry guys: not one I’ll be catering to).

Clearly, then, the current meteorological situation weighs heavy on the collective UK mind.

I hear ya. I really do.

Posted on 9th January 2014
Under: Rain | 1 Comment »

2014: Reasons to be grateful

The start to today – black as pitch, pissing rain, traffic jams, back to work – summarised neatly why living in this country can be trying. I have a fair sense of humour. Today it failed utterly.

I was so low I felt the need to compose a gratitude list. This was the best I could come up with at 7am:

  • I don’t live in Antarctica
  • I’m not a lifelong inmate of a Soviet salt mine gulag
  • I don’t have lice

By 7.30am, and after a stiff double espresso, I had added these:

  • I don’t live in Zurich
  • I don’t feel the need to wear a flat cap
  • I’m not a vegetarian
  • I don’t drive a Nissan Qashqai by choice
  • I’m not an estate agent, an MP, a parking attendant or an employee of the Inland Revenue

I felt cautiously optimistic after this. So I offer it for what it’s worth.

Update, 7pm:

I fell into depression again thinking about my post on EU civil servants. Dunno why. It just came back to irritate me anew. Upshot of pointless obsessing was my conclusion that ALL state (and supra-state, ie EU) employees should stop paying income tax. Instead, the amount they would normally pay in income tax should be deducted from their official salary. So they get what they’re paid – full stop. No income tax to pay.

Why? Two reasons:

  • It reminds everyone that state employees are grace-and-favour, courtesy of the private sector. Their current income tax (indeed, all their taxes) are just rebates on their salary, returned to the private sector taxpayers who really pay them. All of us should be reminded of this basic economic fact every bloody day.
  • If we took the six million public sector employees out of the income tax system, we could get rid of a substantial number of Inland Revenue civil servants. Yay: More savings. Paying state employees to administer the utterly pointless taxation of themselves and other state employees must be history’s best working definition of insane money-wasting.

Update, 7.10pm:

What a boring, bitching, moaning old tosser I’ve become.

Posted on 6th January 2014
Under: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Happier times: Summer holidays

Greek theatre in Taormina, SicilyIt’s a difficult, gloomy time of  year. In the UK, we’ve had gales and pouring rain for a fortnight. Most of the country’s under weather warnings as I write, and no doubt tomorrow’s TV news will bring the familiar shots of shivering folk being ferried from their submerged homes in rubber boats.

It is, in short, shit.

So my thoughts turn to sunnier days. In the dark dirge of winter, it’s hard to imagine summer was ever even possible, far less that it happened – and that you were there.

My Sicilian photos prove otherwise. It all seems dreamy and surreal now, but there WAS once sunshine and there WILL be again. I have to repeat this to myself several times a day.

I really, really shouldn’t have been born in a high latitude. It doesn’t suit me. I’m a creature of light and sunshine. The darkness fucks me up.

Posted on 3rd January 2014
Under: Winter | 2 Comments »