Notes from an old man
I’m having a midlife crisis.
No, not that kind. I hate Porsches, and can’t afford one. And I’m apparently invisible to simpering, leggy blondes (for which my wife is at least sporadically grateful).
It’s more like a who-the-fuck-am-I-anyway sort of crisis.
It derives, I suspect, from my working life – where so much has changed and is changing. I’m quite good at change, and mostly enjoy it. But my job is unrecognisable from the one I started 20-odd years ago.
I’m like a man who’s just arrived in Shanghai, and can recall every minute of what he did during the journey… but can’t remember where he came from.
Of the things that animated, exercised, obsessed, worried and delighted me even 10 years ago – let alone 20 – not one now remains. I am an utter stranger to my younger self.
Such a stranger, in fact, that the professional disconnection has bled into my non-work life. I feel like Dr Who after a regeneration. How the fuck did that guy turn into me? Was I ever him, or did I dream it?
Allotmenteering is about the only thing that connects me to the past. Not that I would have dreamed of growing a carrot 20 years ago, of course. But it’s the only thing I do now that I know the young man would at least have understood.
Everything else would be a total fucking mystery to him. Plus he’d be appalled by the size of my arse.
I think my younger self would have been appalled that I got my long hair cut to conform to working in an office. Actually, even my older self regrets getting it done. I have been thinking about growing it back, but I would probably end up looking like Francis Rossi from Status Quo.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Now that, Martyn, sound dangerously like a real midlife crisis. Pausing outside Porsche dealers yet?
November 26th, 2009 at 10:38 am
How’s about a whole life crisis? I don’t think i’ve ever know who i am, i was always what my househhold wanted (anything to keep some of my sanity) and now they are out of my life and i have a hubby and am ‘free’ I haven’t a f-ing baldy what’s going on. I’m only 30, i feel i haven’t started to live yet i feel like i’m tired of living.
But this isn’t about me, sorry. I hope you can figure yourself out in time. Maybe you need a damn good holiday away from everything xxx
November 26th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Thanks, Carrie, it wasn’t really a whinge. Well, OK, it was… but I do recognise I’m a distinctly lucky sonofabitch and need to count my blessings more often.
My favourite dictum is that Life is more enjoyable when you focus on what you do have and can do… not on what you don’t and can’t. On the whole, this works for me. It’s just that sometimes – as you know better than me – the darker side of one’s thinking prevails.
November 26th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
“it wasn’t really a whinge” !!!!!!! :-O
“Life is more enjoyable when you focus on what you do have and can do… not on what you don’t and can’t.” – spot on Soilman! That’s better
I’m trying not to think how I got to where I am and there’s no point dwelling on how I could have done it better. I might as well just enjoy the fun bits and plough on through the rest!
Celia
November 26th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Some consolation: if your MLC starts with growing carrots (instead of veering by the Porsches and blondes, or flirtation with alcoholism – damhik), then you are Doing It Right and Are To Be Commended.
November 26th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Life crises are kind of awesome (I’m too young for the midlife crisis, but I feel like I’ve been quarter-life-crisising routinely ever year or so for a few years now). I know they’re not a hell of a lot of fun, but something that forces you to take stock of who the hell am I? and how the hell did I get here? (and the ever-fun where the hell am going from here?) every now and then can only be good for you, even if it involves a lot more grumping and griping than the recommended daily output. Self-awareness and consciousness of evolution and all of that (with hopefully a bit of a side-order of empathy & kindness for yourself).
Making friend with yourself is one of the ‘points’ of life crisis, I think. Recognising that who you are now is not who you were 20 years ago, and making an effort to make friends with both versions of yourself. I spent a bunch of nights before I left Australia reading diary entries I wrote when I was 18 and spent some time consciously making friends with that girl (who seemed like a stranger). Enjoying her energy & excitement & the ferocious commitment to cause that comes with being 18. Recognising that I wasn’t there, anymore, that I was no longer that girl, but that she was kind of awesome. That I could love having been there once, and not need to hang onto it, not need to castigate myself for ‘losing’ the things that belonged to her. Sorry for being so meta-hippy, but maybe that’s what you need to do? Spend some shit-shoveling time or plot-weeding time or enjoying-a-beer-on-your-own time making friends with the people you’ve been before, and noticing the things about you in the past that aren’t here now, and putting them to bed? And then making friends with yourself now, as a whole different person, with whole different needs & skills & awesome bits, and decide what the best way to treat you now, is? Cos comparing yourself to past selves and finding yourself lacking isn’t the kindest thing to be doing to yourself. And if, for instance, your job has changed as much as you have, and maybe you don’t really love it so much, maybe it isn’t really the kindest thing to be doing to yourself? There are other jobs. You’ve got a shitload of experience, and a shitload of wisdom: reckon you could find something that would make you happy.
Oh, um. Parsnips celeriac potatoes carrots asparagus! Compost manure slugs! Sorry for the meta-break there. Back to gardening & things.
November 26th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I’m enormously touched by your taking the time to write such kind and apposite things, Glittertrash. It’s not ‘meta-hippy’ at all. You’re spot on.
Truth is, I need to find things other than growing veg that make the old man’s heart sing. The young man’s ones don’t work any more, and I fear my daily working pattern has something to do with this.
Thanks again for your kind words.
November 26th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Soilman darlin’ there is absoultely nothing wrong with a whinge! We all have a better life than many others but we all need to express our shit times too – it helps us deal with them and move on.
Anyway, god help us all if life remained stagnant how utterly boring would that be. Even the same perfect ‘groundhog day’ would be nightmarish after a while.
November 26th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
good topic soilman .
I am 52 and still dont know what I want to do for a career when I leave school .
My allotment keeps me firmly on the ground as I rush around the country in my small amounts of free time visiting my 12 grandchildren.
As a degree educated postie my job too has changed so much from a fairly carefree one 20 odd years to a for profit one now with every second of my working day measured.
Just when I feel like a moan I get to three calls from the end of my round and see a customer who is always cheerful and wheel chair bound and I realise my moans mean nothing .
Enjoy what you have and feel proud of the online community that surrounds you .
Your a good man soilman .
November 27th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Soilman, everyone has a cupboard woe – we have all majorly screwed up at some point in our lives. That is the whole point – we can never be what or who we really want to be – it’s life’s two fingers at mankind.
Just cling to the glimmers of joy – remember what your first ever sweetcorn tasted like!
Mid life crisis aside – your blog is a joyful forum with lots of entertainment!
By the way, is your arse really really huge compared to 20 years ago????????
November 27th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Hi Soilman,
I understand the whinge, but I also thought it was great that you are unrecognisable to your younger self. Who wants to stay the same? Where’s the fun in that?
Making compost involves things rotting, so your crisis is a stage on the way to the nice, crumbly, dark, rich matter of life. Well hell, that sounded completely up myself, but you know what I mean. Hang on in there.
On an unrelated (or possibly related, who knows?) note, I thought that your previous post asking for tips from fellow bloggers was a great idea for a book. Fancy getting something together with a group of online gardening folk that collects different perspectives, experiences and advice?
November 27th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Paul: You’re far too kind. But thanks anyway. I totally appreciate it.
Caz: Ditto, and… yes, sadly
Clare: You’re on. Name the day.
November 27th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Since time, we’re told, is bent, I’ve often caught my younger self spying on the older one. She’s mostly surprised, I think.
The book idea is great; do it.
November 27th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Can I tell you that I look for models of how to age, and you’re one of them?
Here’s why:
You’re honest about the good and the shit.
You’ve built a multi-generational community (here on this site, and I imagine elsewhere as well) rather than hiding away with people who are just like you.
You share your life-experience and wisdom (including the failures–THANK YOU) willingly.
You’re funny.
And, I second (third?) the idea of the book.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:10 am
Now I’m getting embarrassed, folks. Stop!!!
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:13 am
I’d Think hard about the commitment that publishing involves, then decide if you can really be arsed and are ready for it as it could certainly change you and opinions of you.
If you do decide to follow on then please for the love of the gods, make it nothing like J Harrisons egoistic self righteous do as I say and not as I do blog and print.
People like it here because its informal, you say shit and your style of reaching out to the world prompts laughter, free thinking.
If I were the cheeky chappy Soilman I’d develop your published video media. Its always well received.
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:10 am
The video is certainly what I’ve been trying to expand, Cazaux… but finding the time is hard (video is time-consuming).
I wonder if I should go out and do a series filming other allotmenteers and veg growers for their tips on ‘real life’ veg growing?
I wouldn’t do ‘formal’ videos. As you say, they’re always desperately worthy and dull. I’d want real people using real language who like taking the piss as much as imparting real wisdom.
Any volunteers??
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:38 am
PS
I’ve always wanted to do a piss-take allotment version of the Eric Prydz ‘Call on Me’ video.. a whole bunch of allotmenteers doing an aerobics workout on the plot.
I could make this seriously funny. But I need a dozen volunteers willing to seriously camp it up for a whole day’s filming…
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:40 am
That could be a youtube smash hit.
Id like to turn over part of my allotment to scientific research and do everything wrong and see what the results are like compared to doing everything right.
Grow carrots in manured ground.
Add bucketfuls of lime to potato experiment.
Try to grow crops in amongst fennel.
Try to grow a sunflower upside down like you can tomatoes.
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 am
Msg 20 – “Try to grow crops in amongst fennel”? Cazaux
Well I do – Shouldn’t I?
Upside down sunflowers? I suppose you could change their alignment to the sun and try to grow them in a corkscrew shape?
Lime on potato, manure on carrots – straightjacket time for you! Smiley
December 3rd, 2009 at 9:53 am
Two thumbs up for the video idea. Practical multimeejah vegetable tips – that’s what the world needs.
I think I’m getting over my own life crisis – or it’s in remission maybe. I’m actually more interested and excited about what I’m doing now than I have been for at least 10 years. (Code! Web sites! Teaching semi-literate undergraduates!)
Why? Who the heck knows.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is forget the hell about the industry you work in. It’s finished (as you knew it). But there’ll always be something else…
January 12th, 2010 at 10:36 pm