Soilman

Interesting to be in full courgette/marrow glut in mid August. Normally cucurbits are beginning to wind down round about now.

My allotment, I’m ashamed to admit, has gone a bit weed-tastic in the last few weeks. I’ve not gone much; went away for a while, then was busy trying to run myself back to some kind of fitness.

Plus I’ve had dental problems.

Dear God, but dentistry’s pricey. Could have bought a small family home in Rochdale for what I’ve spent so far on root canal work. And there’s more to come. After a decade of relative calm, every tooth in my head has spontaneously decided to crack, rot, combust or spit the dummy in one way or another.

So there’s been pain, whingeing, allotment neglect and endless, unbounded expense. Back to normal service in the autumn, I guess.

Oh God. It’s here already.

I’m not prepared for the courgette glut. I never am. Within weeks, I’ll be chewing on the question all allotmenteers have to ponder come July and August:

At what point will the neighbours start refusing gifts of courgettes? The fifth time? The sixth?

Could I push it to a seventh or eighth??

Now the mad time is starting. I’ve got seedlings stuffed into every nook and cranny of the house. There’s even more under plastic outside. I’m gagging to get them all planted out, but daren’t: it’s not frost safe for another month yet.

It’s already turning into a very peculiar growing year. My cauliflower seedlings have grown more slowly than I’ve ever known – the ones above were sown in early March, but still have only two true leaves. Quite extraordinary.

In other news, my potatoes are also coming through spectacularly slowly. Looks like patience is going to be the watchword for 2010… which is dispiriting news, because I have BUGGER ALL PATIENCE.

It’s OK folks, it’s back to gardening today. You can come out from behind the sofa. I’ve pulled myself together.

*Audible sighs of collective relief*

I’m pretty chuffed with my unusual pumpkins. As Barb (sorry, no link provided) so brilliantly commented on my original post about these, they are indeed Sucrine du Berry. Must be – they look nothing like any others I’ve seen.

It’s a traditional old French variety – and a delicious one, as it turns out (sweeter than other pumpkins I’ve tried).

Probably not the best for savoury recipes, but no doubt brilliant for pumpkin pie, in the American style.

Shame I don’t like pumpkin pie, huh?

No, dear reader, you’re not seeing things. You read right: this is, indeed, a pumpkin.

Granted, the characteristics generally definitive of a pumpkin (spherical, orange, ‘pumpkin-ey’ etc) are, unusually, absent. But it says ‘Pumpkin’ on the seed packet I sowed, so it MUST be true.

Just two questions:

• Anyone ever seen a green, peanut-shaped pumpkin?
• Er… have I been had?

Say you missed me. Life was meaningless without me. You’ve white-knuckled your way through my absence, gagging for your hit of Soilman magic… right?

No?

Hey-ho. Too bad, because I’m back from my Spanish holiday and I’m full of beans. Don’t give the tiniest shit what anyone thinks, and am ready to crow about my allotment successes. Sickening, innit?

Here’s the week’s worth of veg that grew while I was away. A few torpedo marrows, but lots of good ones. Plus some sensational corn, carrots and beet. It’s turning into a terrific allotment year.

A pretty standard basket of veg picked on the allotment at the moment. Lots of peas, LOTS of courgettes.

I’m always struck by the absurdity of those supermarket TV ads competing for prices on ‘a typical basket’.

Whatever they’re punting, it’s not my idea of a ‘typical basket’, that’s for sure.

Well first the good news: I have more gherkins than I’ve ever had… ever. Tons of the buggers. More than 30 already, and they’re only just getting started. Wife is salting them furiously, but we still can’t keep up.

Now for bad news: I think I’m on course for a 100% crop failure.

It’s the leeks, the ones I put in so confidently a few weeks ago. Not only have they not grown, they’re now dying. Slowly.

Why? Haven’t a clue. It’s not anything obvious – I’ve checked all the major allium diseases. The buggers have just decided to cop it.

Which is depressing the hell out of me. Mostly because I know it’s my fault: if I’d been to the plot more often, I’d probably have caught it earlier – whatever it is – and been able to take remedial action.

But I couldn’t, because I have no time. It’s a refrain of my life. I do everything by schedule, snatching minutes here, seconds there.

Jeez, even in the khazi I’m usually crapping against the clock. Most of the time, I long to scream: “Just give me five minutes, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!”

Phew. Had a few days to cool off and come to my senses. Back to normality.

This lack of rain thing is becoming a problem, isn’t it? I know you guys Oop North have had a lot, but down in the SE of the UK it’s dry as a bone. My allotment’s like a desert. Don’t usually see this until July.

Absurdly, I’m writing this under a Met Office weather warning. By the time you read it, I’ll either be ranting anew about inaccurate weather forecasts, or building an Ark in the attic. See you on the high seas.

Hmm. Don’t know what to do with these.

They emerged from the weedy patch I was clearing today. Old and past it, and no good for eating. But it seems so wrong to chuck ‘em on the compost.

Any ideas… that don’t involve eating them??