Having said that, the endless rain has given me some astonishing crops. This is just one trugful. I’ve been getting this every week for months.

That’s not to say everything’s been good, of course. Potatoes got blight VERY early and yields suffered accordingly. The corn didn’t like it much, either.

But everything else has gone bananas. I’ve had the best beetroot, onions, courgettes and carrots I can ever remember. The courgettes, in particular, are a menace. I am already a leper to my neighbours – to be avoided at all costs, lest I attempt to foist a courgette upon them.

How did you do this season?

Weeds there may be, but I’m getting a bumper harvest. In fact, there’s usually a correlation between the amount of weed and the size of my harvest. In a good growing year, you get a lot of weed. Surprise!

I’m over the warning letter now. Have moved from irritation to resignation. If folks insist upon being cunts, there’s not much I can do about it.

Instead, I’m busy drying my monster onions and preparing for the big potato harvest tomorrow. It’s a month early because we’ve had a major attack of potato blight this year. My maincrop spuds lost the last of their foliage about a fortnight ago – so I’m not expecting a best-ever potato crop.

Still, I’m excited… because a preliminary dig in among the Golden Wonder mounds revealed some monsters. Looks like they’ve done OK, even with blight.

This is turning into an extraordinary year in the vegetable garden. From a very inauspicious start, I’m getting bumper crops in almost all departments.

The ghastly weather helps, of course. Rain sucks, but it makes fierce vegetables.

My allotment, I’m ashamed to admit, has gone a bit weed-tastic in the last few weeks. I’ve not gone much; went away for a while, then was busy trying to run myself back to some kind of fitness.

Plus I’ve had dental problems.

Dear God, but dentistry’s pricey. Could have bought a small family home in Rochdale for what I’ve spent so far on root canal work. And there’s more to come. After a decade of relative calm, every tooth in my head has spontaneously decided to crack, rot, combust or spit the dummy in one way or another.

So there’s been pain, whingeing, allotment neglect and endless, unbounded expense. Back to normal service in the autumn, I guess.

I’m not prepared for the courgette glut. I never am. Within weeks, I’ll be chewing on the question all allotmenteers have to ponder come July and August:

At what point will the neighbours start refusing gifts of courgettes? The fifth time? The sixth?

Could I push it to a seventh or eighth??

Now the mad time is starting. I’ve got seedlings stuffed into every nook and cranny of the house. There’s even more under plastic outside. I’m gagging to get them all planted out, but daren’t: it’s not frost safe for another month yet.

It’s already turning into a very peculiar growing year. My cauliflower seedlings have grown more slowly than I’ve ever known – the ones above were sown in early March, but still have only two true leaves. Quite extraordinary.

In other news, my potatoes are also coming through spectacularly slowly. Looks like patience is going to be the watchword for 2010… which is dispiriting news, because I have BUGGER ALL PATIENCE.

*Audible sighs of collective relief*

I’m pretty chuffed with my unusual pumpkins. As Barb (sorry, no link provided) so brilliantly commented on my original post about these, they are indeed Sucrine du Berry. Must be – they look nothing like any others I’ve seen.

It’s a traditional old French variety – and a delicious one, as it turns out (sweeter than other pumpkins I’ve tried).

Probably not the best for savoury recipes, but no doubt brilliant for pumpkin pie, in the American style.

Shame I don’t like pumpkin pie, huh?

No, dear reader, you’re not seeing things. You read right: this is, indeed, a pumpkin.

Granted, the characteristics generally definitive of a pumpkin (spherical, orange, ‘pumpkin-ey’ etc) are, unusually, absent. But it says ‘Pumpkin’ on the seed packet I sowed, so it MUST be true.

Just two questions:

• Anyone ever seen a green, peanut-shaped pumpkin?
• Er… have I been had?

Say you missed me. Life was meaningless without me. You’ve white-knuckled your way through my absence, gagging for your hit of Soilman magic… right?

No?

Hey-ho. Too bad, because I’m back from my Spanish holiday and I’m full of beans. Don’t give the tiniest shit what anyone thinks, and am ready to crow about my allotment successes. Sickening, innit?

Here’s the week’s worth of veg that grew while I was away. A few torpedo marrows, but lots of good ones. Plus some sensational corn, carrots and beet. It’s turning into a terrific allotment year.

I’m always struck by the absurdity of those supermarket TV ads competing for prices on ‘a typical basket’.

Whatever they’re punting, it’s not my idea of a ‘typical basket’, that’s for sure.