Soilman

What an miserable summer it’s been. Even September – usually dependably lovely – has let us down this year.

Having said that, the endless rain has given me some astonishing crops. This is just one trugful. I’ve been getting this every week for months.

That’s not to say everything’s been good, of course. Potatoes got blight VERY early and yields suffered accordingly. The corn didn’t like it much, either.

But everything else has gone bananas. I’ve had the best beetroot, onions, courgettes and carrots I can ever remember. The courgettes, in particular, are a menace. I am already a leper to my neighbours – to be avoided at all costs, lest I attempt to foist a courgette upon them.

How did you do this season?

Bastard rats.

This hasn’t been a problem – much – on my plot before. Dunno why. Plenty of my neighbours get their corn scoffed. Mine has always largely escaped.

Not this year. Fucking rodents have murdered most of it.

My theory: the corn didn’t grow very tall this year. Too little water in a very warm spring, and too much since.

The result is smaller plants that rats can climb more easily.

Perhaps that’s bollocks. Any theories?

They’re going out on the plot today. It’s a famous moment, because Sweetcorn Planting means the start of summer.

Not that it feels all that special this year. We’ve had summer for about a month already. It’s been warm, dry – endlessly dry – and distinctly un-British.

One of the many unwelcome side effects of the early drought and warmth has been an explosion of ants. I have light, dry soil (their favourite), and I’ve never seen so many. They’ve taken over my whole vegetable plot. Swarms of the little fuckers have burrowed under my cauliflower seedlings and are currently destroying the crop.

This is, naturally, somewhat frustrating. Anti-ant products (Ant-ant?) are obviously widely available, but I really hate puffing permethrin near my veg – or near anything, for that matter. So it looks as if the shallow-rooted veg are in for a torrid time this season.

Done it at last… and already I’m nervous. The weather has taken a turn for the worse today. If we get frost again, I think I’ll lose it completely. What kind of crappy year are we having??

I’m going a bit easy on the corn this year. Last season’s crop was so sensational that we gorged ourselves nightly for what felt like months. It was all a bit much – and despite a 12-month lay-off, I’m still not that enthusiastic at the prospect of more.

OK, now this is getting desperate. I have two trays of corn ready to plant out, but no time to do it. Plus I’m still scared of frost.

Call me paranoid, but I’m convinced it will all go shit-shaped at least once more before ‘summer’ arrives. Once bitten, twice shy.

So the corn will just have to wait, and wait, and wait. Better to get a bit leggy and pot-bound than to perish under a still, clear, starlit, frosty sky.

Right?

I was digging like a Terminator on Sunday. Managed to get most of this year’s sweetcorn on the compost and even spread a bit more horse shit.

Grim job, though. Back hurts, arse hurts, arms hurt, legs hurt. Had blisters the size of Flying Saucers (remember them?!) when I’d finished.

More of the same come the weekend. It’s so important to have something nice to look forward to, don’t you find?

Corn is outrageously good this year. I’ve had two good-sized ears on nearly every plant (average is 1.5 most seasons).

Wife and I are scoffing two cobs apiece every night. I swear I’ll turn yellow any minute.

I don’t mind gluts (exception: courgettes), because it helps me eat seasonally. When I’m thoroughly sick of a prolific vegetable it’s easier to go without in the ‘off’ seasons; the relief of not eating the bloody thing lasts for months.

So it’s OK if I DO go yellow, or start vomiting at the sight of corn.

This is What Eating Seasonally Is All About.

Say you missed me. Life was meaningless without me. You’ve white-knuckled your way through my absence, gagging for your hit of Soilman magic… right?

No?

Hey-ho. Too bad, because I’m back from my Spanish holiday and I’m full of beans. Don’t give the tiniest shit what anyone thinks, and am ready to crow about my allotment successes. Sickening, innit?

Here’s the week’s worth of veg that grew while I was away. A few torpedo marrows, but lots of good ones. Plus some sensational corn, carrots and beet. It’s turning into a terrific allotment year.

Probably should have made this picture black and white for the full artsy-fartsy look. I’m totally chuffed with my corn this year. It’s growing like hell and looking gorgeous.

God alone knows why. Yeah, yeah, I know the weather’s been good for corn. But still. That can’t explain why it’s worked SO well this year.

Honestly, I know I shouldn’t interrogate my successes, but it’s hard not to spend most of your time – as a gardener – living in a state of quasi-senility. Mostly, I’m baffled to hell. Dunno what I did wrong – or right.

Oh shit. Maybe I AM senile already.

What do you grow vegetables for? Taste, economy or pleasure? Or perhaps a bit of all three?

I ask because of this interesting post about allotment costs. They say growing your own saves money, but of course this is largely bollocks. Add in everything you shell out for (and I mean everything relevant, including share of greenhouse purchase amortised over a few years) and it all adds up.

Take this corn, for instance. To my shame, it’s not an open-pollinated variety… so I had to buy it because I couldn’t save my own seed (which I generally do). Then there’s the peat pots I raised it in, the (bought) compost I filled them with, plus the few bags of manure I bought for the soil (too time-poor to collect all my manure ‘free’ from local stables).

And that’s not all. There’s all the tools I buy and replace when they break or wear out, plus sharpeners and maintenance and the odd drop of petrol/diesel for driving to the plot with a boot-load of crap. Plus netting and fleece for crops that need them. Plus books about gardening (which never feature on anybody’s costs list, but should). If I was into fertiliser and chemicals, they’d cost too.

In short, I grow the most expensive sweetcorn in the world. Even if I cut my costs to the bone, I couldn’t possibly compete with a supermarket cob on price.

So why do it? Well, as they say in the PG Tips advert, “it’s the taste“. Innit.

Oh, and the exercise too – which, perversely, I enjoy. Anyone reckon they actually save money on their plot… if they’re really, really honest?