The sun is out. The matrix has reloaded.

Incredibly, there is sunshine today. At 12C, it’s not exactly the Sahara… but it sure feels like it after the winter we’ve endured.

I went to the plot. I planted onion sets, cleared the asparagus bed and spread manure. It felt good.

Why can’t I live in Italy? 12C is about as bad as it gets in, say, Sicily. I could grow melons, lemons and oranges – and peaches and nectarines. Bloody marvellous.

Instead, I’m living in this shithole. Buggeration.

Posted on 7th April 2013
Under: Winter | 5 Comments »

Ready for Summer. Even though it’s Spring…

gay sunglassesForecast is outrageous (27C, unbroken sunshine, buzzing bees, tweeting birdies etc etc), so I’m donning my gayest pair of shades for a day of flouncing about on the plot. By close of play I will be puce red, shit-smeared, sweat-sodden and very, very happy.


Does anyone else find this weather a little… creepy? I mean, it’s April. FFS. We do not get 27C in April in this country. Most years, we never see 27C ALL YEAR.

I’m enjoying it – believe me, I really am – but at the same time I’m freaked out.

Posted on 23rd April 2011
Under: Summer | 7 Comments »


Seen the forecast… eh, eh?

Warm, sunny, windless, gorgeous (er, apparently).

I’m smacking my lips. Can’t wait to get stuck in to my allotment and actually do some work this weekend.

Maybe even cut the first asparagus. Now I’m salivating just thinking about it.

Posted on 9th April 2010
Under: Spring, Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

When Spring turned to Winter

Apologies for radio silence here. As UK readers will know, this is because it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO GO OUTSIDE. Winter has returned, with a vengeance, and I’ve been forced to chain myself to a radiator with a large box of chocolates (yes, at gunpoint… since you ask).

This is bad enough, but I’m living with a cat who takes news of bad weather even more badly than I do – and who blames me for it. When I let him out in the morning to test the temperature of the patio with his paws, he turns a look of such malevolent hatred on me that I fully expect to be turned to stone.

So it’s with special fervour that I’m praying for a bit of sunshine.


Posted on 2nd April 2010
Under: Winter | 6 Comments »

Perfect weekend… and nothing done

The temperature rose. The sun shone. The bees buzzed.

It was the perfect first day of Spring to be at the allotment… and I wasn’t there. Completely blew it. Ran out of time.

So bugger-all achieved, and now I’m falling behind. Potatoes desperately need planting, as do the onions. Where the hell am I going to find the time?

Posted on 14th March 2010
Under: Spring | 11 Comments »

Pictures of the plot. And sundry thoughts…

View of my vegetable plotProbably time to go public with a bigger-picture view of the plot. There’s a ton more at the back (about which more anon), but here’s half my ‘land’.

Verdict: OK. I guess.

What’s good: asparagus, carrots, peas.

What’s not: Potatoes. Slow growth this year, for reasons unknown. No spuds before mid-June, I fear.

I could bore for Britain on ‘what I’m growing at the plot’. God knows, dear Reader, the temptation to bludgeon you with plot-related trivia into a dribbling, catatonic stupor is a powerful one. I’ve only met a handful of you, so you’re mostly faceless victims of my Compulsive-Confession Allotment Disorder. It’s easy to abuse you.

But I know I mustn’t. You have lives and families. They need your sanity. And anyway, if I’m going to bore for Britain, I should really be boring about the toilet of bullshit, lies, greed, venality and hypocrisy that UK public life has become.

But relax: I won’t. At least, not today.

Posted on 27th May 2009
Under: Rants | 4 Comments »

Honey, I’m home!

Spring cauliflower

Look what I picked up on the way home from work!

A freshly picked cauliflower is a thing of beauty and gastronomic delight. They really do taste different fresh. Cauliflower cheese tonight…

Posted on 20th April 2009
Under: Brassicas | 15 Comments »

I dig it my way

View from the shed on my allotmentIt’s not been pretty, and it’s only just done in time. But the allotment has been duly dug over and is ready to plant (give or take a bit of rubbish removal. Ahem).

Regrets? Well, never too few to mention. Wish I’d not planted so many bloody Jerusalem artichokes, and that I’d harvested them earlier. Plus it would have been nice to get all the digging done before the snow and frost.

But I’m largely happy. Roll on the summer.

Posted on 10th March 2009
Under: Spring | 9 Comments »