The sun is out. The matrix has reloaded.

Incredibly, there is sunshine today. At 12C, it’s not exactly the Sahara… but it sure feels like it after the winter we’ve endured.

I went to the plot. I planted onion sets, cleared the asparagus bed and spread manure. It felt good.

Why can’t I live in Italy? 12C is about as bad as it gets in, say, Sicily. I could grow melons, lemons and oranges – and peaches and nectarines. Bloody marvellous.

Instead, I’m living in this shithole. Buggeration.

Posted on 7th April 2013
Under: Winter | 5 Comments »

Still raining

They’re running out of rain metaphors and adjectives on the radio.

They’ve done ‘torrential’ to death. Now they’re casting around for something more sensational. ‘Stair rods’ and ‘monsoon-like’ are undergoing a renaissance. ‘Record-breaking’ is a favourite.

As I write, great swathes of northern England are under flood warnings. By tonight, many Yorkshire folks will be floating on their sofas.

It’s all so grim I feel the urge to make light of it. But people have already lost their lives, and I fear there will be more by the weekend.

If you’re in the flood zone, stay safe.

Posted on 6th July 2012
Under: Rain | 7 Comments »

Rain fucks up everything

pissingYuck. We had our moment in the sun (er, 8 days). Now we’re back to what Britain does best: Wet, wild and windy.

It’s always a pain in the arse, but this time it could have been fatal: Poor old Prince Philip obviously got sick standing out all day in the rain on Sunday. No 90-year-old should be expected to endure that. Why couldn’t the poor old bastard sit at home with a cup of tea and a Hobnob?

Gardening is back on hold. After 8 days of lusty growth, every plant on the plot has gone back into a sulk. As have I.

Is there anything this country’s weather can’t spoil?

Posted on 5th June 2012
Under: Rain, Summer | 6 Comments »


If you’re unlucky enough to have caught my rantings on Twitter, you’ll know we’ve had rain in south-eastern England.

A fair bit, I’m relieved to report: more than an inch on Sunday night and some good, strong, prolonged showers since.

But you won’t be surprised to hear that I’m not hanging out the bunting… yet. After four months of almost total drought, even the 3-4cm of rain we’ve had in the last few days is a piffling drop in the ocean.

I did a bit of digging on my vegetable plot last night, and the ground is still utterly dry below half a spade’s depth.

We need a LOT more rain where that lot came from.

PS One very good thing about the rain is that it’s arrived just in time to bulk up the early new potatoes. A heartfelt ‘thank you’, then, to the Higher Power.

Posted on 9th June 2011
Under: Rain, Summer | 5 Comments »

Ready for Summer. Even though it’s Spring…

gay sunglassesForecast is outrageous (27C, unbroken sunshine, buzzing bees, tweeting birdies etc etc), so I’m donning my gayest pair of shades for a day of flouncing about on the plot. By close of play I will be puce red, shit-smeared, sweat-sodden and very, very happy.


Does anyone else find this weather a little… creepy? I mean, it’s April. FFS. We do not get 27C in April in this country. Most years, we never see 27C ALL YEAR.

I’m enjoying it – believe me, I really am – but at the same time I’m freaked out.

Posted on 23rd April 2011
Under: Summer | 7 Comments »

Disappearing rain

A follow-up to my rain rant…

This Spring is running true to form with last. It’s already three weeks since the last significant rainfall, and the weather forecasts are exactly the same: scattered showers are always predicted for tomorrow or the day after… but on the morning of ‘rain day’ the forecast mysteriously changes. The showers are suddenly nowhere to be seen.

I swear these guys forecast by looking out of the sodding window.

PS Today I was reduced to watering my potatoes. In April.

Posted on 16th April 2011
Under: Spring | 6 Comments »

When Spring turned to Winter

Apologies for radio silence here. As UK readers will know, this is because it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO GO OUTSIDE. Winter has returned, with a vengeance, and I’ve been forced to chain myself to a radiator with a large box of chocolates (yes, at gunpoint… since you ask).

This is bad enough, but I’m living with a cat who takes news of bad weather even more badly than I do – and who blames me for it. When I let him out in the morning to test the temperature of the patio with his paws, he turns a look of such malevolent hatred on me that I fully expect to be turned to stone.

So it’s with special fervour that I’m praying for a bit of sunshine.


Posted on 2nd April 2010
Under: Winter | 6 Comments »

Snow update: No update

So where’s the snow post? The one moaning about the weather? Surely the blog wouldn’t be complete without it?

Sorry. Refuse to do it. Harsh and unforgiving views etc.

“Cold Weather In Winter Shocker”… it’s not a headline, and it’s not a national emergency. Recommend the Norman Tebbit response to such crises: Get over it and get on yer bike. It won’t kill us.

And to those who’ve been panic buying in supermarkets, I can only sigh and say this: You’re a bunch of spineless, dimwitted tossers. I hope you choke on your stocks of unnecessary food.

Shit. I did the snow post after all.

Posted on 11th January 2010
Under: Rants, Winter | 10 Comments »

Drowned rat

To adopt an expression more familiar to my US readers: The weather sucks a big one.

Jeez, but it’s rained here. I don’t live in Flood Central, thank God, but I’m living like a rat in a hole. Can’t go out without getting soaked, whatever the day, whatever the hour.

The most irritating consequence is that my vegetable plot has had zero attention for almost three weeks; the only times I’ve not been working, it’s been pissing. Extra hard.

So many apologies for the absence, on this gardening blog, of any gardening.

Posted on 3rd December 2009
Under: Rants, Winter | 7 Comments »